No Watered Light
by StarSlingerSnitch
Summary: Behind my smile is a hurting heart; behind my laugh I'm falling apart; look closely and you will see the person I am isn't me. This is for the people who feel like they don't belong anywhere. For those who are insecure. For those who aren't comfortable with themselves. For those who fake smiles and feel replaceable, not good enough, unwanted. For those empty, tired. Who feel alone.


**A/N: This is a kind-of birthday fic for Tori Matsuzaka but it's also a story about going on when you feel worthless. I wrote it when I was at a bad time in my life and I wanted to make others feel better if they are alone and hurting. This is a story where no matter what you do, you feel it's not good enough and you screw up too much to feel wanted. For those who fake smiles and feel replaceable, I know what you're going through. And so does she. **

She can't tell what's real or not.

All she can feel is pain, all around her, drowning her.

Or is that just the rain? The rain of hurt, the rain of tears, the rain of things unwanted, unloved.

Like her.

She's alone now. Alone in the water falling from the sky, dripping off the tree's leaves and sliding down the rough bark. The rain giving the thirsty earth life. The rain, that as much as it helps nature, is killing her slowly.

She chose this though. It was her decision, her choice. She brought it upon herself.

The dark sky is barely visible through the trees. Not that she wants to see it. It holds too many memories, too many laughs and tears, too many reminders of what she lost and what could've been. Too many reminders of how free she now is.

Even if it's not what she wants.

But she has to. She remembered saying it was best for both of them. Best for the team. Best for the world. It was better that she left, when he had caught her doing just that. That's what she said.

She had said it so many times already that it had felt easy coming off her tongue.

But it's wrong.

They had wanted her to stay. She had seen it in their eyes, though, before she left. They were disgusted, disappointed, all the things she feared they would feel about her, she saw it on their faces.

True, it may not have been all of her fault, but as usual she took the blame for herself. It was only natural. 

So that's why she finds herself in the middle of the forest, in the rain by herself. He had probably told the others that she left and they may be out searching for her. But she doesn't want that. She doesn't want to be another burden, another problem. Not now.

Training is the only thing that matters. It's the only way she will get better.

If ever.

But she's so tired. She's tired and bruised and bleeding. Inside and out.

The rain slips through her dark hair, making it stick to her face, the back of neck. It gets in her eyes when she tries to blink back the tears.

But now she doesn't even know what's rain and what's teardrops. They're all running together down her face, mingling so that it's almost like there's no difference between them. They're both warm, yet marks of sadness. Both the sign of grief.

She sinks to her knees, the dirt moist and clumpy. She can't do this.

_What am I thinking? I can never be like them, no matter what I do. It's good that I left. It's better for everyone._

She feels like it's always her fault, it's always something that she's done, it's always something she can't fix with a smile or kind words.

_Why can't I be like them?_

Her tears are coming faster now. Her sobs harder, her breathing heavy. She feels broken, she feels used, she feels like nothing she can do is good enough. Like she's always below everyone else and they know it and flaunt it.

No…they're her friends. Right? They don't want her like this. They tried to help her, tried to make everything better.

But they couldn't.

She bends over and presses her head onto her forearms, feeling her wet skin. She is chilled to the bone by now and can't tell her clothes from her skin. They're both clinging to her.

Another second, another tear. Another second, another hard feeling trapped in her chest becoming tighter. And again. And again.

"Why can't I do it?" she whispers, biting her lip hard. _What's wrong with me?_

"Why can't I…" She can't go on and lets the sobs wrack her body as she curls into a ball. All she wants to do is help and sometimes even that's not good enough.

Why did she even come? Did she truly believe that she'd be okay here, that she'd be the best she can be, that she'd help others and make friends?

She raises her head and lets the rain and tears continue to side down her face. How is it that somehow, through everything, they really accepted her? She had tried to hide who she is but they found out. And they are okay with it. They like her.

They still liked her despite who she was. But would they still like her if they knew everything about her?

Ryunosuke is the perfect warrior. He trains constantly and is a good fighter, good enough to pose a threat to their Tono. He is loyal. Something she tries but feels like no one notices.

Mako is the perfect one, the great older sister, the smart girl, the beautiful one. She is always a great comfort to everyone, wise beyond her years, the one they never have to help because she can defend herself.

Chiaki is the creative person in their group. He used to not be a strong fighter, almost like herself, but he improved greatly and uses his imagination to win.

Genta is a hard worker, the jokester, the one willing to take risks. The one who is technologically advanced, who can do anything electronic.

Finally Tono-sama. Or, Takeru, the name she never dares call him. He's calm, he's proud, he's an amazing fighter, he's modest, he's …he's everything to her. He is the vision of perfection but it is too cowardly, too unfit for her to even dream of being his. He is gentle with her, yes, more than the others, but probably because she is the youngest, the most inexperienced.

The weakest.

He somehow always had a way of making her feel nervous, unsettled.

Inferior.

They all make her feel that way. In such a team as themselves, what need do they have for her? Yellow isn't necessary. It is a color one can pass over, a color that stays in the background compared to bold pink or vibrant blue or fearless red.

She couldn't tell them how much everything hurts so she keeps it to herself.

"Kotoha?"

She lifts her head quickly to find her lord staring at her through the dark trees, the rain spilling from the branches and landing all around him.

She's ashamed for him to find her like this, when she's letting out all the resentment and fear and disappointment that she has held for many years. Everyone has seen how she appears. Few know who she is. What must he think of her now?

"T-tono-sama," she whispers, getting up and bowing her head. The dirt falls softly from her knees and plops down back to the earth, its home.

Home. Something she thought she had until now.

He walks closer to her until he stops in front of her. He uses one finger to lift her chin to meet his eyes. They're wide, concerned, relieved and gentle. And focused all on her.

"Kotoha, why did you leave us?" he asks tenderly, the kindness shining out through him, even in the pouring rain. She can't believe he thought enough of her to come and find her, let alone be this nice when he did find her.

He's thinking that this girl in front of him, the girl so beautiful, probably had left a long time ago before physically leaving them. Inside, she was probably already lost.

"I…I let the ayakashi get away. I couldn't defeat it. I-I made too many mistakes. And the others…the others got hurt." She wants to turn away, to break eye contact with him, to stop more tears from coming down her face, but she can't seem to look away. He's captivating her with his eyes, even through the rain she can see him. It's making his hair sopping wet, his jacket scattered with raindrops.

"And that's why you left? Because you made a mistake?"

"It's not just that! Umm…it's not just today. It's ever since I've joined, all of done is made error after error and I can't stop. I'm…not good enough to be a Shinkenger." There. She said it. His eyes widen in shock at her sentence and finally she has enough courage to look away and turns her back to him.

"It's true. I'm not good at anything and today…today just proved it." She sighs, feeling a little bit better after saying it. Yet still, it's not enough to heal her.

The rain is coming down harder now, pelting them both. And still they stand there, her wishing he'd just leave but secretly, wanting him to stay. It proves she means something to him. That he values her.

Right?

"Kotoha, why would you even say that? You're an irreplaceable member to the Shinkengers. You're special."

She turns back around to look at him, surprised, her mouth open a little. He _does_ care for her. Or at least, wants her to come back.

"Tono-sama…" She can't get the words out. Even getting that smallest hint of recognition means the world to her. To hear that someone thinks she's special, _her_ next to Mako, to Ryunosuke, to every other person on the team, in the world.

"No." She looks at him as he stops her with that simple word. He looks…disappointed. With her. What did she do this time?

_What did I do?_

"Call me Takeru. It is my given name. Not a tono."

"But…but…isn't that wrong?" She doesn't understand him, how he's asking her to not call him 'tono-sama'. Instead to call him by his real name, something she never even considered. Isn't that wrong? Disrespectful?

The rain continues to fall but her tears do not. For some reason, they have stopped.

"No. Kotoha, it's…" He stops and suddenly pulls her closer to him so that there's barely an inch between them.

Confused by this sudden movement, her immediate reaction is to shy away. But he's warm, despite the rain. His breath is heated on her face as he continues to speak.

"It's not wrong. It's what I want. And Kotoha, why do you think of us so perfect? Of me so perfect?" That catches her attention and she raises her face to his, the rain getting in her eyes. But she can still see him.

His question, however, she doesn't understand. He's Tono-sama. He's the best of the best.

"I…I don't understand." He sighs again and she fears she's does something else to disappoint him. But neither of them moves away. Not yet.

"Why do you consider me so…so above you and yourself so low? I just want to know this, Kotoha." In the middle of a rainstorm, they're talking about her. Her feelings, herself.

A flash of lighting cuts through the dark sky, illuminating both of them for a few seconds. Takeru is focused on her only, why this beautiful woman sees herself so lowly when clearly she's the best out of all of them. And she doesn't even know it.

The lightning ends and they're plunged into darkness once more with only the dim moon and themselves for light. The rain is still streaking down but they're too focused on each other to notice the water anymore.

She is wondering why he cares so much but his question has her thinking. Why does she consider him so absolutely? Why? Why does she always take it out on herself?

He's a lord. It's simple enough. But is that really it?

"I…I don't know Ton-" she stops herself when she realizes what she did. Takeru closes his eyes for a second, as if in pain.

"You don't know?" he echoes her softly but she can still her him over the pitter-patter of rain. She shakes her head, feeling tired.

Is it because she demands approval from someone? Or is it just because she wants others to be happy, that she wants to help them? But why are they above her?

_Because they're better._

No, no that's not it. Is it?

It's because she has a need to please, she needs to rely on someone else for happiness. But if she puts herself into others, her happiness, then if they leave, so is her joy.

She tries so hard to help others because she can't help herself.

"I just…I just feel like I don't-don't deserve happiness like they do." It's quiet but he can hear it. And it breaks his heart, reopening old wounds that he thought were all healed.

_How can she feel this way about herself? Is this what she's been hiding all along from them? This pain…she's been hiding it this whole time and none of them ever noticed._

_How could they? _How could they?

"Kotoha…" he trails off as she looks at the ground, water falling in her face. All she wants is for someone to hold her tight and tell her everything is okay, that she'll be fine.

But no one can. Because no one will ever see her pain.

And yet…

Takeru-almost hesitantly-raises his hand up and puts it on the back of her neck, gently pulling her in to him and putting his other arm around her, hugging her gently. All he wants is to take away her pain but he can't even do that.

Kotoha is once again uncomfortable It's not the rain, that has soaked them both that's making her hesitant. It's that she has pushed people away for so long that when someone actually lets her in, she's unsure of how to deal with it.

But everything that has happened comes crashing down on her once more, now doubly painstakingly more bearable and she leans into Takeru, her hugging herself as if that in itself can hold her together.

He does nothing but hold her. He doesn't say anything, doesn't murmur words of comfort or whispers of encouragement, just holds her tight while she lets out all the poisonous tears that she's been holding for way too long.

And somehow, that's reassuring enough for her. Actually, his silence is what she's craving right now. He's good at taking things to face and remaining clam, knowing what to say and what not to say.

It's one of the things she admires most about him.

And one thing that separates them even more still.

_But maybe,_ she thinks, looking up at him, even with the rain still coming down, _that really makes us similar. We're both…alone, somehow. And that joins us together._

They remain like that for a while, her resting her head on his chest, hands still around herself while his arms still have her grasped within them. Surrounded by the rain gently dripping down, finally slowing, she feels strangely at peace.

Just like how the rain is ending, she feels that her troubles are on their way to being over. The worst seems to be done with.

She once thought she was alone. Her own worst enemy because no one knows what she's feeling because only she can control her thoughts. People surrounded her but still alone she was. She hadn't even known how to explain herself.

And yet…she finds someone who understands, even if it doesn't seem like it. Someone who cares. Someone who understands things she can't even put into words.

Someone who helped her see the difference from rain and tears.


End file.
